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I don't even know what to say - Nathan

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October 2nd, 2007


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08:56 pm - I don't even know what to say
After I posted the last entry, I started looking around on the lj main page, was thinking of finding another prompt, and maybe starting to post mroe about how school has gone for me*.

In looking around on my friends list, stuff I may have missed, it looks like Will (the first person I dated, and my close friend ever since) passed away almost a month ago. I feel horrible - wish I'd been there for him, even if I know it's irrational... but I do. I wish I'd at least wondered why he went inactive in said game, and like... checked or something. Blech :(. Will, wherever you are, you are missed, but will never be forgotten.


*Summary: Pretty well, though I've had a bit of a problem with being slightly late to my first class - also, still don't have a dissertation topic. Also, trying to learn to be more social - getting involved in SARPA activities and such - you know you're pathetic when you're going to a gaming club to learn to be social, but yeah...
Current Mood: shockedshocked

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[User Picture]
From:pakaran
Date:October 27th, 2007 01:29 am (UTC)
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And I recognize that now. Also, while I didn't say in so many words, initially I got the impression that my friend might have taken his own life (he'd struggled for some time, and posted a somewhat... dark... poem to LJ in the few days before passing away). It turns out it was connected to a severe seizure.

I'm sorry it took so long to reply. I appreciate your words, and... I'm coming to accept that now. It's not that I'm not accepting that death is a part of life, but there's a gap between knowing that in an abstract way, and having it happen to a friend who was younger than me.

He was the first person I dated (I'm probably confusing some readers, so I should probably mention that he's a female-to-male transsexual - and we dated before he became aware of this, though it had very little to do with the reasons the relationship ended). We stayed friends for years - all the way through college, and after - and... I still just can't believe that I only found out by chance, most of a month later.
[User Picture]
From:dottie_dear
Date:October 28th, 2007 01:09 am (UTC)
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I love the way that you just move through things in your own way. It's beautiful, you know. Living art.
[User Picture]
From:pakaran
Date:October 28th, 2007 02:13 am (UTC)
(Link)
You very much honor me by saying that. I've had, in some ways, to figure out on my own who I am in life. What I believe, what I value, what I want to do, not just as a career, but to make the world a better place for my passing through. So, in some ways, I've stumbled more than some have.

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