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October 2nd, 2007


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08:56 pm - I don't even know what to say
After I posted the last entry, I started looking around on the lj main page, was thinking of finding another prompt, and maybe starting to post mroe about how school has gone for me*.

In looking around on my friends list, stuff I may have missed, it looks like Will (the first person I dated, and my close friend ever since) passed away almost a month ago. I feel horrible - wish I'd been there for him, even if I know it's irrational... but I do. I wish I'd at least wondered why he went inactive in said game, and like... checked or something. Blech :(. Will, wherever you are, you are missed, but will never be forgotten.


*Summary: Pretty well, though I've had a bit of a problem with being slightly late to my first class - also, still don't have a dissertation topic. Also, trying to learn to be more social - getting involved in SARPA activities and such - you know you're pathetic when you're going to a gaming club to learn to be social, but yeah...
Current Mood: shockedshocked

(4 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:dottie_dear
Date:October 3rd, 2007 05:32 am (UTC)
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Oh Pak,
I'm sorry about your friend. And I understand those kinds of self-recriminations. But it's just about being caught in part of a cycle. No one is in great touch with everyone they know all of the time, yet the cycles of life and illness and odds and death continue to roll along, oblivious to our ins and outs.

Hugs,
Dot
[User Picture]
From:pakaran
Date:October 27th, 2007 01:29 am (UTC)
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And I recognize that now. Also, while I didn't say in so many words, initially I got the impression that my friend might have taken his own life (he'd struggled for some time, and posted a somewhat... dark... poem to LJ in the few days before passing away). It turns out it was connected to a severe seizure.

I'm sorry it took so long to reply. I appreciate your words, and... I'm coming to accept that now. It's not that I'm not accepting that death is a part of life, but there's a gap between knowing that in an abstract way, and having it happen to a friend who was younger than me.

He was the first person I dated (I'm probably confusing some readers, so I should probably mention that he's a female-to-male transsexual - and we dated before he became aware of this, though it had very little to do with the reasons the relationship ended). We stayed friends for years - all the way through college, and after - and... I still just can't believe that I only found out by chance, most of a month later.
[User Picture]
From:dottie_dear
Date:October 28th, 2007 01:09 am (UTC)
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I love the way that you just move through things in your own way. It's beautiful, you know. Living art.
[User Picture]
From:pakaran
Date:October 28th, 2007 02:13 am (UTC)
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You very much honor me by saying that. I've had, in some ways, to figure out on my own who I am in life. What I believe, what I value, what I want to do, not just as a career, but to make the world a better place for my passing through. So, in some ways, I've stumbled more than some have.

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